Before I had ever heard the phrase “female led relationship,” I had already adapted this model for my life. In the past, I would have identified as a feminist, believing that all parties are equal and deserve an equal voice within any relationship. Though the roots of my feminist beliefs are still strong and play a large role in how I model my relationships, I find that I have evolved past them in my romantic relationships. I no longer desire equality, I desire supremacy. No, my ego is not huge and I do not feel superior to everyone I meet. I am not a bitch, I am not a horrible human being that yells and screams when the dishes are not done or the garbage not taken out. I just want control. I desire the power to make decisions that pertain to my relationships and the ability to have the final say. Let’s look at FLR (female led relationship) and what it is.
What is a Female Led Relationship?
Defining any relationship is difficult. There are so many factors that are specific to the individuals. Female led relationships are no different. There are some factors that remain the same for most models.
- FLR is a model for a “heterosexual” relationship.
- The identified woman is the ultimate decision maker as it pertains to the relationship.
- The identified man of the relationship wants the woman to lead.
I have no intentions to turn this into a discussion about gender or sexual orientation, so interpret “heterosexual,” “woman,” and “man” as it would relate to your relationship. I want to say that the most important factor is the woman as the leader but in my experience, the most important factor is that the man be willing to follow.
A matriarch does not necessarily want to nag her man. She wants to create the rules surrounding the relationship. She does not want to force him to listen, though at times of training or during the introduction of new protocols it may be necessary. The man has to support this dynamic. He has to be willing to give up control over certain, and sometimes all, aspects of his life. Without the support, the dynamic crumbles. There must be a consensus between the woman and the man regarding what decisions she has power over. These can change over time and evolve depending on the individuals but I group them into 3 main categories.
Decisions Regarding the Relationship
Is it time to get married? Should we move in together? Is it time to meet the parents? You can see where I am going here. These decisions in all FLRs should be the responsibility of the woman. She is the one to determine the next step in the relationship. I have seen, through casual observation, that within the FLR community it seems rather common for the relationship to eventually extend into a D/s (Dominant/ submissive) relationship. It does not always happen but when and if it does, it is up to the woman. She is responsible for the decision. It is the woman’s responsibility to make that decision with the man’s wants and needs in mind as well. She is the matriarch but she needs to know the reactions her decisions will have on her subjects and react accordingly.
Decisions About Everyday Tasks, Behaviours, the Mundane
Who does the dishes? Who does the shopping? To me, this is what defines MY female led relationships. This is where I love having all the control. I like to be clear about my expectations and where my partner’s responsibilities lie. Should it be shopping, collecting the dry-cleaning, or making a decision as to where we are going to eat, I thrive on having control over these decisions. This can include the finances. In my relationships I have ultimate control over everything, including the finances. In my ideal relationship, the man would receive a weekly allowance. Controlling? Absolutely! Abuse? No, remember that my partners have agreed to this dynamic beforehand! (More on the topic of abuse compared to dominance later. It is a huge topic that I would like to devote an entire discussion to it!)
Big Life Decisions
Do we have kids? How would they be raised? Should we move? Buy a house? Rent? Own? These are huge decisions. It takes a true leader to determine what is right for her family. Allowing someone to make these decisions for you can be difficult. So can making these decisions. But if your female led relationship has the dynamic where she makes these choices, you should feel confident in her ability to weigh the outcomes. This can be scary. Not every FLR has a dynamic conducive to this type of power exchange. But if yours does, all the more power to you. If you are someone who is new to FLR, this might not be the right place to start.
Ultimately the decisions can be categorized like so:
- Decisions about the relationship
- Decisions about the household (day to day)
- Decisions about the family (life decisions)
There is no need to rush your relationship into one where all the decisions rest on one woman’s shoulders. But if you are ready, the rewards can be amazing (more on that later this month).
Here are some blogs and websites that I have enjoyed, all devoted to female led relationship: (I have no affiliation with any of these sites, I just found them to be interesting and worth a read.)
Men Submit has a few well written pieces.
I stumbled across this fantastic blog, Worshipping your Wife. The associated twitter account is also worth a follow or two.
AboutFLR is a fountain of fantastic formative information and discussions. I have not read through everything but so far everything has been great. I especially enjoyed how they divided FLR into levels.
Found this quickly, Gentle Seductress. I have not had the opportunity to look through the list in its entirety yet.
You can also find groups on fetlife. Some for those searching for FLR, both men and women.
If you have a quality resource that discusses FLR, please share it in the comments. I would love to add to my current list 🙂
10 thoughts on “Understanding the Female Led Relationship”
Great post….in a world of many different ways of living, I think lots of us would like to live this way.
Interesting . . . do you draw a distinction between an FLR in which the male is responding sexually to the power structure and one where the male is simply acknowledging the superior leadership skills of his mate with no particular sexual connotation? Or is the latter so vanishingly small that the population of such relationships is negligible? I’m not sure I consider a D/s marriage to be, necessarily, a FLR. Men are so sexually needy that the capacity for bottom topping is always present and even the desire to force the issue would corrupt the power politics of the relationship, it seems to me. But I am not speaking from experience as, sadly, none of my relationships to date have been explicitly (boo hoo) either D/s or FLR.
I do draw a distinction between the two. Not everyone in a D/s relationship is in an FLR and vice versa. There is always the possibility for “bottom topping” or “topping from the bottom” but a firm hand and a realistic look at the relationship should minimize the occurrences. This is why I feel protocols should always be in place and check ins should be part of the regular routine. Open communication between parties within the right context can create a positive power exchange environment.
I agree. I look at the pictures fro Iraq, Syria, the Ukraine et al, and all I see is mobs of men with guns butchering each other (and lots of women & children) Would happen on a FL planet? I don’t think so . . .
I wish Women running the planet would stop such things, but extremists are extremists regardless of gender… Do I think it would improve? Absolutely! To the point where it would no longer exist? I am doubtful. Sadly!
Yes, lesbian utopia is an absurdity. The butchest girls I know are still scared of spiders. But you pose an interesting conceptual space . . . better but not perfect. Now that would make an excellent idea for a Netflix series! What problems WOULD the Queen of Outer Space have? Let’s start writing it!
I agree that it is difficult to let someone make such decisions for you and it is also difficult to make these decisions, but that is part of the lifestyle and the most successful female led couples that i have met have tremendous trust in one another.
–Miss Ari ^_^
It is a huge amount of trust and when it works well the reaults are amazing
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