Conversations on BDSM

With the fucking joke BDSM “themed” piece of shit book and what I am assuming will also be a shitty film, 50 Shades of Grey gaining so much popularity, it is impossible to have a casual conversation without BDSM coming up. Now, I live a life where the majority of the people within my social circle are either proponents of the BDSM lifestyle, live the lifestyle or at least grasp the basic understanding of the D/s relationship. I am not about to write about the book or the film, I read the book, so I could but there is already quality information on the subject and I really do not feel like getting into it. I have seen enough on the subject and read enough on the subject. What I am enjoying though is the casual conversations that bring up BDSM.

I feel that all of us who are proponents of the D/s lifestyle should take advantage of the casual conversations about the film and the book, to really properly explain what BDSM is and how it is not properly reflected within the book. Communication is important and now with the line of communication open we should be taking advantage and advocate for safe, sane and consensual play (which is not well represented in the books).

Conversation on BDSM with Ambre Jade
“BDSM logo” by Aida – Own work. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons 

My mother and I had a conversation on BDSM, D/s, and just sexual relationships in general this morning. My mother and I talk very freely with each other about sexuality, even our own personal sexual experience. My mother, who is not into BDSM, understands the principles and the teachings of SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and finds the whole lifestyle intriguing. We have had several conversations on BDSM. She knows that I both profit from (as a pro Domme) and live this lifestyle. She accepts it and defends my lifestyle choices with relatives and the like, a discussion for another time.

This morning we talked about the abusive nature of 50 Shades and how dangerous this is to those new to the lifestyle. Without the proper knowledge, people can get hurt. Abuse and power exchange can look very similar when you do not have the experience, the knowledge and the sometimes common sense understanding of a proper D/s relationship. We, as in those of us with the knowledge and/or experience should feel morally, ethically obligated to open the dialogue and have conversations on BDSM. Not just among our peers. Not just with people who have the same fundamental values but with those wanting to explore the lifestyle or those who are interested in pursuing their lustful thoughts into that direction.

So let’s as a community take advantage of the current pop culture BDSM bullshit and have conversations on BDSM, real BDSM and you never know, we might be the difference between someone experiencing abuse and someone empowering themselves through submission.

À bientôt,

Ambre Jade

Guide to Keyholding

cage 7 de 7

I have an extreme passion for chastity. I love every aspect of keeping my submissives chaste. Being a Keyholder is more than just holding a key in your hands. There are time when it can be a challenge, even a chore but the end result is always fantastic.

What is a Keyholder?

A Keyholder is generally a Domme, Mistress or Master who holds the physical representation of your chastity (the key) on them. The power over the submissive’s orgasm or lack there of, is completely hers. She determines for herself whether or not he cums. For some Dommes, the penis now belongs to her. Access is restricted to her desires and her desires alone. That is not to say holding the key is sufficient enough. There are certain requirements for both the sub and the Domme.


There are certain time requirements for the Keyholder and the chaste individual. I once calculated the amount of time each key I hold represents. It is a significant chunk of my week. Chastity is an active process for me. I like being very involved with my caged toys. As a Keyholder you have to be ready to devote the time and the effort. The longer someone is caged, the needier they become. Some of us thrive on being needy but you have to be prepared for the time that represents (within reason). As someone who is caged, you will find yourself devoting a lot of time to your new status as chaste and a desire to be in your Keyholder’s presence.

Play and Chastity Games

Play and tease are important. Without them, time spent locked can be boring. Boredom does not a good slave make. And let’s be honest, it can be boring for the Keyholder as well. I always find it thrilling when someone is locked for me but I find the experience lacking without some good ole tease and denial. Bringing my slave to the brink of release and then shutting them down. There are limitless possibilities for games and play time. Find the right balance for you and your slave. Experiment, if they are locked long enough, they will love just about anything 😉

Physical Check Ins

It is important, and can even be used as a game, to do regular physical check ins. There are some cages might fit poorly or need to be adjusted over time. I love physical inspections, it can add a little spice and play to the experience. Cleaning, air time, making sure there are no marks or chaffing. This is part of you duties as a Keyholder, they are locked for you, you should watch for signs of things not working well.

Emotional Check Ins

Watching for signs is more than just physical sign of trauma or damage. You have to do some emotional checking. This is especially true with long term chastity. There can be some extreme emotional reactions that come up, sometimes with little warning. These should be dealt with, discussed and addressed. The caged slave is responsible for keeping their Keyholder informed. The Keyholder is responsible for creating a safe space where the slave may bring these feelings up. For me, I prefer scheduling check ins. It gives a window where a slave can stop being a slave for a short time and express themselves without prejudice. This is extremely important for those who are new to being submissive or new to chastity. The routine creates a safe place.

Obviously this list is not complete and there are many places where one can add their own twists. Remember that communication is key, and that Keyholding is more than just the physical manipulation of their key.

Additional Reading

Two blogs I have been thoroughly enjoying:

Denying Tumper

Monkey in a Cage


Chastity Forum

Understanding the Female Led Relationship

Female Led Relationship

Before I had ever heard the phrase “female led relationship,” I had already adapted this model for my life. In the past, I would have identified as a feminist, believing that all parties are equal and deserve an equal voice within any relationship. Though the roots of my feminist beliefs are still strong and play a large role in how I model my relationships, I find that I have evolved past them in my romantic relationships. I no longer desire equality, I desire supremacy. No, my ego is not huge and I do not feel superior to everyone I meet. I am not a bitch, I am not a horrible human being that yells and screams when the dishes are not done or the garbage not taken out. I just want control. I desire the power to make decisions that pertain to my relationships and the ability to have the final say. Let’s look at FLR (female led relationship) and what it is.

What is a Female Led Relationship?

Defining any relationship is difficult. There are so many factors that are specific to the individuals. Female led relationships are no different. There are some factors that remain the same for most models.

  • FLR is a model for a “heterosexual” relationship.
  • The identified woman is the ultimate decision maker as it pertains to the relationship.
  • The identified man of the relationship wants the woman to lead.

I have no intentions to turn this into a discussion about gender or sexual orientation, so interpret “heterosexual,” “woman,” and “man” as it would relate to your relationship. I want to say that the most important factor is the woman as the leader but in my experience, the most important factor is that the man be willing to follow.

A matriarch does not necessarily want to nag her man. She wants to create the rules surrounding the relationship. She does not want to force him to listen, though at times of training or during the introduction of new protocols it may be necessary. The man has to support this dynamic. He has to be willing to give up control over certain, and sometimes all, aspects of his life. Without the support, the dynamic crumbles. There must be a consensus between the woman and the man regarding what decisions she has power over. These can change over time and evolve depending on the individuals but I group them into 3 main categories.

Decisions Regarding the Relationship

Is it time to get married? Should we move in together? Is it time to meet the parents? You can see where I am going here. These decisions in all FLRs should be the responsibility of the woman. She is the one to determine the next step in the relationship. I have seen, through casual observation, that within the FLR community it seems rather common for the relationship to eventually extend into a D/s (Dominant/ submissive) relationship. It does not always happen but when and if it does, it is up to the woman. She is responsible for the decision. It is the woman’s responsibility to make that decision with the man’s wants and needs in mind as well. She is the matriarch but she needs to know the reactions her decisions will have on her subjects and react accordingly.

Decisions About Everyday Tasks, Behaviours, the Mundane

Who does the dishes? Who does the shopping? To me, this is what defines MY female led relationships. This is where I love having all the control. I like to be clear about my expectations and where my partner’s responsibilities lie. Should it be shopping, collecting the dry-cleaning, or making a decision as to where we are going to eat, I thrive on having control over these decisions. This can include the finances. In my relationships I have ultimate control over everything, including the finances. In my ideal relationship, the man would receive a weekly allowance. Controlling? Absolutely! Abuse? No, remember that my partners have agreed to this dynamic beforehand! (More on the topic of abuse compared to dominance later. It is a huge topic that I would like to devote an entire discussion to it!)

Big Life Decisions

Do we have kids? How would they be raised? Should we move? Buy a house? Rent? Own? These are huge decisions. It takes a true leader to determine what is right for her family. Allowing someone to make these decisions for you can be difficult. So can making these decisions. But if your female led relationship has the dynamic where she makes these choices, you should feel confident in her ability to weigh the outcomes. This can be scary. Not every FLR has a dynamic conducive to this type of power exchange. But if yours does, all the more power to you. If you are someone who is new to FLR, this might not be the right place to start.

Ultimately the decisions can be categorized like so:

  • Decisions about the relationship
  • Decisions about the household (day to day)
  • Decisions about the family (life decisions)

There is no need to rush your relationship into one where all the decisions rest on one woman’s shoulders. But if you are ready, the rewards can be amazing (more on that later this month).

Further Reading:

Here are some blogs and websites that I have enjoyed, all devoted to female led relationship: (I have no affiliation with any of these sites, I just found them to be interesting and worth a read.)

Men Submit has a few well written pieces.

I stumbled across this fantastic blog, Worshipping your Wife. The associated twitter account is also worth a follow or two.

AboutFLR is a fountain of fantastic formative information and discussions. I have not read through everything but so far everything has been great. I especially enjoyed how they divided FLR into levels.

Found this quickly, Gentle Seductress. I have not had the opportunity to look through the list in its entirety yet.

You can also find groups on fetlife. Some for those searching for FLR, both men and women.

If you have a quality resource that discusses FLR, please share it in the comments. I would love to add to my current list 🙂