It’s time to end my monogamous relationship, not the relationship itself, rather the concept of monogamy. It was an interesting experience while it lasted. Now I am finding that I am full of resentment and anger toward my lover. He has not done anything to prompt this response from me, not really. It is more that I find myself in situations where our monogamous limitations become problematic. At first, I was excited to find an individual whose libido could keep up with mine. Lately, he has not been able to keep up. I get it, it happens. I am not in a position to accept being minimally sexual sated. That’s not enough really for me to put an end to monogamy, but the reality is, I have become resentful of the fact that I am repeatedly placed in that position.
Resentment grows and take root in every discussion, disagreement or argument you have. Every action the other person takes is seen through resentfully coloured glasses. Resentment feeds off everything! Even at this moment, I am sitting here seething because a text has not been replied to. It’s a dumb thing to be angry about, but resentment just makes it that much more intense. I resent having rules to adhere to even though I had initially agreed to them. This is one of the reasons I like to do multiple check ins with my subs. It avoids resentment and allows the relationship to expand its parameters.
So my plan is that over the next few days, I will bring up my concerns and my plan to establish a poly or open relationship with my lover. Ultimately, should he decide to not accept, I am going to have to revisit whether or not I want to continue with this relationship. I am a Domme, I need attention and power. Even if our relationship is not based on such things. That leaves me with very few options. I fear if I let things continue as they are, I will lose my fucking mind, and that is not good. I will keep you posted on how this discussion goes.
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So those of you who know me well, or even a little, you are probably aware that dating, really not my thing. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I was actually on a date. I know it seems weird for someone who turned 30 this year to not remember ever dating. It is a rare thing. I tend to not really be involved in relationships that are not 24/7 D/s relationships. I have decided though that maybe it is time. Maybe it is time for me to enter this strange
land realm of online dating. My current relationships are absolutely lovely and I treasure each one. But sometimes, every now and then I think it would be nice to sit and have a meal with an equal, at least a temporary equal. They can go back to rubbing my feet after a meal. 😉
I suppose I am treating this as a social experiment of sorts. Dating and especially online dating seem so incompatible with My current BDSM goals. My main issue is that though so many of my subs are either clients, and yes I still consider you mine even if you pay me for the luxury, or they have no interest (or I have no interest) in actually sharing a life together beyond a secluded weekend or evening of BDSM bliss basically beyond anything on a full time basis. It is a bit of a challenge for me to try and meld all my goals together. I would like to find someone with whom I can share a life with and also establish a well grounded FLR.
So why would I look in the vanilla world? Somewhere like online dating? Well I am not exclusively looking there, I will also be checking out other avenues. The problem with me and meeting people is well basically in very broad terms, I hate most people. Talking online first allows me the opportunity to not hate them immediately and also to get to know someone before first meeting. I am a control freak. I like to know as many details as I possibly can before going out and exploring things! Plus I am really really fucking demanding!!! There are a great many things I am not willing to compromise on.
Qualities of My Ideal Partner
- Switch or sub
- A firm believer in FLR and FLH, where I am the Matriarch, since in all honesty the gender of my ideal partner could be anything!
- Open to poly relationships, I have several relationships that I will just not give up
- No qualms with my job
- Looking for something long-term
- The ability to communicate openly or is willing to work on communicating openly
- No more kids!!!
See, I am not that demanding! I just have a few things that need to be clear from the beginning! Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone was so clear about what they wanted?
Updates soon I hope 😉
Things change! As much as we hate it, they change. Friendships end. Relationships change. What do we do when they change? When something is not necessarily lost but rather changed to such an extent that it feels like a loss. How should you react? Do you mourn it with the same passion you would mourn the cessation of the relationship? I think we should! I think we should allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of sensation and allow the passion that was once there to be released.
When my puppy and I had our mis-communication a few weeks back, it changed the nature of our relationship. I should not say that the mis-communication changed it but rather my own response to the communication break down. I find myself doubting his sincerity. It is not that he has done anything further to cause such doubts. It is nothing something he has done, or hasn’t done. It is more my own reaction. My inability to “get over” the previous problem seems to be the root of my current breakdown. When we spoke the first time following our troubles, things seemed wonderful, fantastic, like nothing had happened. But doubt is a powerful thing. It lays its seeds inside you where you would least expect it and then grows at an exponential rate.
After we spoke, he did not message me the following morning, there were no attestations of love and devotion. This happens, even before the issues. Sometimes it happens. But doubt, it caused this horrible feeling to follow me around. Doubt, doubt, doubt. He is holding more from you. That is what my mind was screaming at me. You scared him. You changed the dynamic and this is the consequence you have to pay. The intimacy that was once so clear and almost tangible between seems to have disappeared. Doubt took its place.
It is not a very dominant feeling, thinking you are the only one being intimate. The feelings I once had of dominance and control over him were replaced by doubt. How can an individual show her dominance over a slave when she fears the slave is not all into the experience? It is a rambling discussion. Many thoughts are running through my mind. These simple ramblings, that are likely full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, run on sentences and the like. But they represent my way of mourning the loss of intimacy. Of grieving what was once so full of possibilities and is now clouded with doubt. I am sure I will get over myself in the near future and that eventually my puppy and I will find our intimacy and we will learn to trust each other.
Until then though, I will express my passion through continued mourning of what was once full of promise.