Things change! As much as we hate it, they change. Friendships end. Relationships change. What do we do when they change? When something is not necessarily lost but rather changed to such an extent that it feels like a loss. How should you react? Do you mourn it with the same passion you would mourn the cessation of the relationship? I think we should! I think we should allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of sensation and allow the passion that was once there to be released.
When my puppy and I had our mis-communication a few weeks back, it changed the nature of our relationship. I should not say that the mis-communication changed it but rather my own response to the communication break down. I find myself doubting his sincerity. It is not that he has done anything further to cause such doubts. It is nothing something he has done, or hasn’t done. It is more my own reaction. My inability to “get over” the previous problem seems to be the root of my current breakdown. When we spoke the first time following our troubles, things seemed wonderful, fantastic, like nothing had happened. But doubt is a powerful thing. It lays its seeds inside you where you would least expect it and then grows at an exponential rate.
After we spoke, he did not message me the following morning, there were no attestations of love and devotion. This happens, even before the issues. Sometimes it happens. But doubt, it caused this horrible feeling to follow me around. Doubt, doubt, doubt. He is holding more from you. That is what my mind was screaming at me. You scared him. You changed the dynamic and this is the consequence you have to pay. The intimacy that was once so clear and almost tangible between seems to have disappeared. Doubt took its place.
It is not a very dominant feeling, thinking you are the only one being intimate. The feelings I once had of dominance and control over him were replaced by doubt. How can an individual show her dominance over a slave when she fears the slave is not all into the experience? It is a rambling discussion. Many thoughts are running through my mind. These simple ramblings, that are likely full of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, run on sentences and the like. But they represent my way of mourning the loss of intimacy. Of grieving what was once so full of possibilities and is now clouded with doubt. I am sure I will get over myself in the near future and that eventually my puppy and I will find our intimacy and we will learn to trust each other.
Until then though, I will express my passion through continued mourning of what was once full of promise.