In a few days, I will be leaving the apartment my son and I called home for the better part of 4 years. There is a certain amount of remorse, I am a creature of habit, and I do not always enjoy the things around me changing. But the time has come. My son is older now and my work has become far more hands on compared to the past. I need an office, a play space, somewhere I can easily shut the door and have no concerns about any ears listening in.
This was the biggest factor in my decision to move, ok no, that is a lie. There are three children above me at the moment with a piano and a trampoline above my head. This was beginning to have serious consequences on my work as well as my general state of mind. So beyond the outside forces, the influencing drive to my finding us a new home came from my son now reaching the age where his own sexuality is broadening. He is still young and the physical act of sex is still many hopefully several years, hopefully a decade away. But this age, this coming into your own and discovering orgasms and sexuality is a massive thing. I do not want to influence any more than I already have. (If you think you have not shaped your child’s sexuality you are fooling yourself, we all leave a certain imprint.) This is the time when imprinting happens, you know, if you are just discovering how to cum and the first thing you cum to is something “deviant” chances are you will be “deviant” for the rest of your life. And that is fine, embrace it but I do not want my son’s deviance to come from something I said while not even speaking with him. Okay, I have no research to back up what I am saying, I am sure there is some out there somewhere. Probably easily accessible but I am not here to write a paper on sexuality. I am here to share my views, thoughts and ideas. So that is what I am doing!
As a sex worker, I appreciate the various nuances to people’s sexuality. I think individuals feel more at ease sharing that side of them when they are paying for time. It also gives them the chance to experiment with an aspect of their sexuality to see if it works for them. As a sex worker, I encourage you to bring forth those deep, dark desires. To share with me something you might not necessarily want to share in your vanilla or everyday life. I believe all our sexual fantasies and desires should be celebrated in a healthy way. Of course, this is when everything is sane, safe and consensual! The wonderful thing about phone sex, is that sane, safe and consensual is already a given. If you are paying someone to listen and play into your fantasy those factors are already there. I have done a variety of non-consensual consensual scenes. This is usually met with a deep appreciation at the ability to play the role out, but I digress as I usually do. As a sex worker, I love the twisted, fucked up fantasies people have. The more twisted, the more unusual, the more amusing.
As a parent though, I do not want my child to have to seek out a sex worker because there is a side to him he does not feel he can share with the world. Pretty deep right? All I wanted to say was I needed an office but this is my reasoning behind it. I could easily work from my bedroom, living room, kitchen, hell I can work from my bathtub if I wanted to. But ears are for listening and a home with only two people in it means there is potential for shit to be over heard. I take a massive amount of precaution, don’t misunderstand me. I keep my child safe and unexposed to the world I work in but having a safe space for me to work, knowing that I will never be interrupted or overheard. Somewhere that I do not have to clear my browser history or shut my computer down is so relieving. I want my child safe and free from this side of my life but it is a HUGE part of life now. I spend more time writing hypnosis sessions or talking on the phone than I do anything else. (yeah I am exaggerating) So why would I not want a space where I can perform freely. Where I can live without fear of influencing his sexual awakening.
It’s not shame that keeps my work hidden. In fact, it is quite well known without detailing, the facts of my current way of earning money. We live in a household where honesty is critical and full disclosure is sometimes a must. But my unapologetic attitude toward my work as a sex worker and healthy discussions about sexuality does not free him from inadvertent influence. So the creation of an environment where he can be separated from my professional self, is crucial to his development as a sexual being.
We shape our children’s sexuality. This is going to happen but my goal as a sex worker, as a mother is to make it a conscious influence. To talk in a positive way, an affirming way about sex. To focus on minimising shame but also minimise what I might be causing in the future. To keep my role to a minimum in terms of his sexual development and allow these sensations to come about naturally without scolding or encouraging. To be there when questions are raised and to answer them in a truthful, clear, age appropriate manner. What more could any parent want?
My original goal in this post was to discuss the fact that I was moving. The sexual discussing kind of took off while I was writing. I do not normal like to associate my work with my family but the self reflective kind of discussion became something I wanted to share!