Language in any relationship is a sensitive topic, for some filled with passion or resentment. Language in Ds relationships is the same. Ds and alternative relationships do change the relationship parameters a little, well a lot but it is still a relationship! It is still the joining of two lives, a convergence, however small, for however long, in whatever capacity. The moment you decide to communicate with one another, you have started a relationship. This applies to people in all walks of life when dealing with all experiences. As soon as another being is involved, it is a relationship. Good, bad, indifferent, it is still a meeting, still a relationship. But I digress. This is a post about language, about words and tones. More specifically about questions.
Sometimes I ask! Sometimes I ask you to tell Me how you are feeling. This is apart, separate from aftercare discussions or negotiations. Sometimes I ask what you want! Does that make Me less Dominant? I was recently told by a sub turned wanna be slave that he did not like that I ask. Fair play, some people do not like the illusion of choice. But I like asking so I will continue doing it. The reason I say the illusion of choice is this: Do you really think that I would ask a question in the middle of O/our session without My already knowing the answer? I always know the answer before I ask it! Perhaps an example will illustrate this more clearly. Here is a conversation I had recently with My darling puppy:
him: Goddess, every time you speak to Me, i need to open up for You, my legs open wide, i need You so badly
Me: What do you need puppy?
him: i don’t know Goddess
Me: Tell Me, why is it that when you hear My voice your body, specifically your legs open up for Me!
him: i… i….
Me: Say it!
him: they want You inside me.
Me: What do they want puppy?
him: i want You to fuck me, please Goddess!
O/our relationship has only recently included My fucking him. Prior to that, there was no ass play, no toying. (As a side note, My puppy has been chaste for just over 6 months, he is making Me incredibly proud of him) he still blushes when I mention fucking him. I find it adorable! he gets so embarrassed. So language, questions while in the middle of O/our play. I knew the answer before asking. I had set up this moment so that I knew exactly what he wanted but I wanted to hear him ask for it! This of course, is a more extreme example. Sometimes I like to ask in more subtle ways, and even lead more gently.
Does it make Me less Dominant that I ask before telling? The answer is no! I am aware that there are many who do not like the illusion of choice, or some where even the idea of being asked something is alien when they are in their sub space. But for Me, for My enjoyment I like asking! I do not think it makes anyone less Dominant for asking!
That being said though, the language we use during Ds play is so important! I would not take on a new submissive and ask him if it was okay if I hit him a little on his bum! That is ridiculous UNLESS and this is a huge UNLESS, it is during negotiations! Sometimes those of Us who work primarily online and over phones We forget, We forget that some people need more comfort before play and they do not necessarily know what their limitations are. When I take on a new submissive especially one who is newer to the experience of Ds, I tread lightly. Well as lightly as I can tread, there are some parts of My being I cannot turn off.
So the language for Me in this case is, lots of questions, idea exchanges and discussions during negotiations! When it is your husband or long term sub there is less of a need for this but in this scenario W/we are looking at someone new to the experiences. The language in the Ds relationship in this case will include lots of dialogue and discussion during negotiations but very little during the session. During a session with someone new, I like to be very clear about everything! What I expect, what I want, what will happen and this newcomer will not be asked anything! There is no need for him to have any illusion of control. In fact, in My experience, it works best when he is well aware of how little control he has!
When a slave and I have been doing scenes together long enough and My control is clearly established and his place is well ingrained in his mind, that is when language becomes important. By asking, I am giving the illusion of control, I am giving him a “chance” to refuse My influence and reclaim some of the power I have taken from him. he never does! And his admitting that by answering the question serves as a reminder of just how deep he is. Of just how far down the rabbit hole he is. he does not want the power but making him admit that… mmm, for Me there is something incredibly delicious about that.
Questions, thoughts, prayers, all the language used in a Ds relationship is important. Understanding that asking questions has a time and a place is essential! Someone starting out in a BDSM relationship, for example as a Top should be willing to ask questions before the scene! Not knowing something does not make you less powerful a Dominant, pretending you know something does! But that right there is a discussion for another time! Less about language and more about attitudes!
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