Abuse of Power, Consent and Other Important Distinctions

So it is my turn to write a Jian Ghomeshi post. Well not really! I am not following it as closely as I could be, I am not him or any of the women who have come forward about their experiences with him. When I read this article several thoughts passed through my mind. One of which was, so did he believe his own shit? When the CBC initially fired him, and he released the following announcement on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jianghomeshi/posts/10152357063881750. I was initially disgusted by the actions of the CBC. A person’s relationship dynamic is no business of anyone except those within the relationship. But now, with women coming forward and further accounts of his behaviour continuing to flood the media, I cannot help but retract my initial feelings. This man seems to have abused his power in a variety of ways.

As I mentioned earlier this is not a post about him or the circumstances surrounding what now seems to be his demise. When I read the earlier mentioned article my thought was; Did he believe he was merely living out his version of a D/s relationship? As I said, I have no idea, I am not involved in anyway but as a Domme I recognise how easily one can believe their own shit! Power exchange turning to an abuse of power is a very slippery slope. There are many gray areas! There are many circumstances and points of view. One person’s fantasy can be seen as another person’s assault. (We are leaving the Jian Ghomeshi portion of this talk now.)

With such a massive amount of gray, how can something that seems so clear, so black and white like assault be apparent? It seems that everyday I am reading posts or discussions about an abuse of power. So and so took advantage of me, and then the Dom refuting it. This sort of back and forth exchange. We have all seen them! I have no desire to get into specifics. This is the world of BDSM. We are sadists and masochists and all the colours in between. We like causing pain and we like receiving pain. No matter how Dominant you feel you are, no matter how sadistic, you would not walk up to a random stranger and give them a sound spanking. That would be assault. A fight could potentially break out. The lines of both the law and social context are clearly defined. Say you know this particular individual is a masochist. You have never met them before or maybe you have, maybe you have even done a scene or two with them. Walking up to them and slapping their face… Does that seem appropriate to you? You know they like, you like causing that pain that they enjoy. There is the potential for some serious enjoyment BUT the context in which you are playing this out in, not appropriate! What if, the last time you spoke with this individual, they expressed a desire for it to happen?

What if you know it is something they want? Is it appropriate to inflict pain when someone expresses a desire for such happenings? In my opinion, NO! It is not appropriate! They are not necessarily aware that you are going to provide them with their fantasy. They know it is something they desire but is it something they desire at any moment? Is it something they desire at this moment? Without a yes, it is assault! Without a clear definition of what is and is not something they want FROM YOU specifically, it is assault. And where consent can be given, it can also be removed. Without a clear in the moment yes, you might be over stepping your role. Yeah, I get it. You’re a big bad sadistic Dominant and should get whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want it right? NO! Shut the fuck up and eat your humble pie. Imagine if Jian Ghomeshi had had a serving or two where his career would be right now?

One of the many reasons I adore contracts and interviewing people, is that informed consent is clearly defined. If it isn’t, I ask for clarification! Wanting clarification or a more detailed description does not make you less Dominant, it makes you more so. It shows that you can fulfill 2 fantasies simultaneously while respecting and even loving your submissive. Contracts and informed consent are not the sole responsibility of the Dominant. If you submissive fantasy could easily be interpreted in a different way, it is important that you are clear with your description. Communication before hand is key. In the moment, during a scene so many things can happen. It is entirely possible that you will have no physical ability to speak, so how will you say no? That is another discussion but you can see where it is leading.

OK when I am mentioning that it is everyone’s responsibility to make sure consent is clear, I am not and never will blame the victim. The submissive by definition is not in a position of power! There comes a point where they cannot say no even if they wanted to (if they are gagged or are just incapable of communicating their wants clearly). A true Dominant, a true human being will find a way to make sure consent is always there! They understand cues, changes a body language, a simple look in My puppy’s eyes and I know when it is time to slow down! As the Dominant you are taking responsibility for their well being. Make sure you know what lines to follow, what lines to slowly push back and what lines should never ever be crossed! I get it, your last sub loved when you fucked their ass so hard it bleed, but this is not your last sub, this is a completely different, unique individual. Eat your slice of humble pie. Make sure consent, informed consent is clear and given. There is only one way to know if something is consented to, you fucking ask!

End crazy rant 😉

À bientôt,

Ambre Jade